The gloomy rainy season is always filled with the melancholy of longing, and the lonely heart cries sadly in the cold air, alone, a kind of spiritual solitude. Every time the night falls, I can only lie quietly in bed thinking of you, unable to sleep, letting tears flow from the corners of my eyes.
Do you know? In front of others, I pretend to be very strong, and I never mention this relationship to others. In fact, I just put this relationship deep in my heart, and I can’t forget it at all. Whenever it’s late at night, it will be released and I will miss you silently!
Every day, when it’s time for you to go to work, I will quietly go online to check on you, to see if you are late, and to see if you are in a good mood! If I can’t see your QQ online, my heart will worry for you. Only when I see your avatar light up can I let go! Whenever it’s time to go to and from work, I will habitually press that series of Arabic numerals, and then delete them one by one!
Before, sending messages to you every day was my longing for you! Calling you to get up for work every day, and reminding you to pay attention to safety when you get off work, and reminding you to remember to eat, is my care for you! Longing, is it fate? Is it true love? Or is it a habit? Rather than saying it’s a habit, it’s better to say it’s a kind of concern!
I can’t forget the little things between you and me over the past two years, I can’t forget the happy feeling of being in love for more than a year, and I can’t forget the hurt I brought to you! Once a thousand-year-old love, once a promise, once true love, at this moment is so empty, so pale, and so powerless!
Perhaps what is torturing me is not this relationship, but the entanglement of responsibility and true love, and my heart is full of contradictions! I am always living in this contradiction, wanting to let go but not being able to let go, wanting to forget but not being able to forget; wanting to end this kind of life and live the life I want, but I don’t have the courage, unable to get rid of the worldly gaze and the condemnation of my conscience, so I can only let you down, hurt you, and at the same time hurt myself. I can’t give you the happiness you want, and I can’t even give you the most basic peace of mind! Life, destined me to be a loser in my life. Loneliness, a spiritual wanderer, punishing myself for my own actions.
How I wish you were the kite in my hand, and if I cut the string, you would be free. I even hope that I am the string in your hand, and when the kite flies away, I am still in your hands! Eileen Chang once said, there is always someone in this world waiting for you, no matter when, no matter where, anyway, you know, there is always such a person! But whose life am I waiting for? What is my life pursuing? What is the ultimate goal of being a person?
I have walked many lonely roads and listened to many sad songs. Hurt, tired, all that is hidden deep in my heart is loneliness and longing. In fact, sometimes I think giving up is also a kind of beauty, although it is a desolate beauty. Just like a bird falling in love with another bird can chase after it, but a bird falling in love with a fish can only choose to leave silently! Emotion, when it reaches a certain state, everything in reality is no longer so important, no longer thinking, no longer touching those loves and hates in emotions!