On a winter night, it’s cold outside and also cold inside. The cold I caught a few days ago hasn’t gotten any better, but I have no time to take care of it.
When working, I look forward to the weekend; when on vacation and bored, I start to miss work. It’s like when I was in school, I would look forward to holidays, but when the holidays became long, I would also feel bored and want to go back to class. But whether it’s working or resting, on this winter night, there’s always a longing in my heart that seems too light yet too heavy.
Longing should be a kind of light concern, the ability to care for someone is a feeling of happiness; of course, being cared for should also be a feeling of happiness. I like this light feeling, in this light atmosphere, everything is so natural; I like this light feeling, the light longing, the light concern.
A few days ago, I reposted an article from a friend’s place, and I liked the words in it:
“I love you very much, but I don’t know how to get close to you, so I think it’s okay to leave. There is no difference, the outcome is the same anyway, whether it’s good or bad is not important. What’s important is that I was infatuated with you, just as I was infatuated with an ornate chair from the late Qing Dynasty.”
“I want to give you happiness, but I can’t enter your world. I want to exchange my whole world for a ticket to your world, but that’s just my wishful thinking. I don’t care about your world, and I’m expelled from yours. I really like you, close my eyes, thinking I can forget, but the tears I shed did not deceive myself.”
These two paragraphs seem to be applicable now. I think I’m starting to like someone, but I don’t know how to get close to her; I always want to attract her attention, but there’s always no way; when chatting on QQ, I always think of some topics to talk about, but her answers are simple “yes,” “oh,” or just reply to the questions asked. The beginning of the chat is a little better, but later she directly goes offline, maybe she’s invisible or not there, watching her TV series, which makes me feel very powerless; obviously, at least for now, her world doesn’t care about mine, and her world doesn’t have me yet. I want to like her, but I can’t even enter her world; I want to get a ticket to her world, but I don’t know how to achieve it, it’s just my wishful thinking. Of course, I also know that for now, there is a gap between us, which makes me just think about it, there is no momentum for me to act.
I think I really have started to like someone, when I close my eyes, the most thought, the most missed is her. I know all this longing is just a one-sided love. Recently, I always like to open the music radio station on a person’s night, set the TV timer at 12:30, and then lie quietly on the bed alone, listening to the soothing and smooth music. Listening to the music, still missing someone, even if this kind of longing and missing is just one-sided, but recalling some scenes, chats, and conversations with someone, thinking about her person, thinking about what she said, I slowly melt myself in the beautiful music and the longing that seems too light yet too heavy, sweet, bitter, and sour, but also beautiful. On a cold winter night, leave the beautiful longing in my mind. Just like this, slowly fall asleep.